Wondering Aloud...

I do not know if it is age, or lack of caloric intake, but I have been a bit melancholy lately. My usual exuberance has taken a backseat to a seriousness and reflection... I know... Your thinking that I probably just need some sleep. But, I am pretty sure I am feeling some shift of mindset as I fast approach the Big 5-0... With at least half of my life over, I have been turning more and more toward how I want to be remembered. Wow... I actually said it out loud.

So, here are a few things I have come up with:

1. I want to be remembered as a Giver. Therefore, I must give. I must leave every situation, every encounter, every event, having given something away. Whether that is money, food, or other tangibles, or wisdom, humor, empathy, or compassion. I think this is probably one of the easiest on this list, because you can measure this in some manner. However, you cannot give to be noticed... hmmm... that's gonna make this a bit more interesting...

2. I want to be remembered as one who was full of Joy. Therefore, I must be joyful. So, where does Joy come from? I believe joy is a knowing, a secure hope in something unchangeable and ever true. Happiness is fleeting, and circumstances sway the happy easily. To be full of Joy is quite different. There is a Joy that I know (most of the time) that is rooted in the Truth that I know God is for me (1 John 4)... and that all things work together for good (Romans 8:28) Since I know these truths (among many others) then I CAN have joy unspeakable all the time, knowing that God has "got my back" and that He has a fantastic plan for me and my life, and NOTHING can mess that up.. not even me. Now, if I can just remember that all the time....

3. I want to be remembered as a man of integrity and honesty. I always tell my children, "You want to be trusted? Be trustworthy." It is that simple. I have to choose to be honest and choose to do the right thing even when no one is watching...always. I will say that this has always been important to me, and I have been striving to be this man a long time. I am optimistic that I might live up to these ideals... some day ;-)

4. I want to be remembered as a man who loved his family. Most of the time, this one is easy. I really love my girls... My wife is mind-blowing awesome. She drives me crazy, frustrates me, excites me, challenges me - all at the same time. God really knew what He was doing when He hooked us up! And the girls... never in the history of women has there been two females more easy to love. I would have to get right down to bragging if I were to explain the countless ways that my two jewels are so amazing, unique and special. They are so different in who they are, but they are both happy, secure, strong-willed, smart, and fun. I am so blessed - I think this one is the one I have got down... Everyone knows, including my girls... I'll stop the world to answer their call.

5. I want to be remembered as a man who loved His God. I think this one is the one I have to be the most careful with. It is too easy to act like you love God, but in the depths of our hearts, we can actually be cold and untouched. It like the difference between singing a worship song, and worshipping. It's a matter of the heart that no one but God and me can see. Only He truly knows the realness of my worship. Only He knows if I am opening up to Him, to let Him have His way with me, or if I am going through the motions and playing the part. And since only He knows, the praise and attention from others can mask the truth of the hurt and the distance inside. I must be real. I must face my demons and have someone else who I can tell my hurts and struggles to, so that I don't deceive myself into thinking I am already the godly man God wants me to be. Let's face it... until I look just like Jesus (Romans 8:29-30) God is not done with me. Am I gentle? Am I humble? Will I lay down my life for my brother? Excuse me while I remove this plank from my eye...

I believe these things I have been thinking about will continue to haunt my waking hours, and I can only pray that God will answer these pleas in an affirmative manner. I am confident that these things are good, and that they are in line with His plan for me. I am equally confident that I have a great capacity to complicate them and convolute them as I long to be this man. I strive to continue to pour myself out, to make room for His Spirit to overcome me, that I may disappear into His presence. And the knowing... the knowing that He is near, and He is for me... I remain in His Joy unspeakable.